Only

I write the same quote on the first blank page of every month’s notebook. It’s by Natalie Goldberg and reads, “If you are not afraid of the voices inside you, you will not fear the critics outside you.” It’s a reminder of why I have the notebook at all and how I can be my own worst critic. It’s helped me professionally and personally. It’s my emotional coach.

I’ve noticed the “only” voice cropping up in my running and subsequent journal entries lately. I’ve read several articles that say it’s the voice of perfection, which is ironic given the state of the inside of my house right now. It’s the voice with a measuring tape and a stopwatch. It’s the voice that tells me I only ran X miles today, only ran/walked today or only ran two days this week. It finds an “only” even on my best days. Combine it with my “should have” voice and it’s a miracle I run at all.  

Still, I’ve been getting out there for three months now. I’m halfway through my Philadelphia Marathon training, I’ve finished eleven out of thirteen long runs, and even those missed ones were due to travel and meetings. The trick I’ve found is to tell myself getting out there is the bar. A bad run is better than no run so long as I get out the door. My mind may think I’ve “only” run so many miles, but my body doesn’t know the difference. Just get out there; that’s good enough and that’s a standard that even my “only” voice doesn’t know what to do with.